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Twenty Nine and still lost

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This kid here is twenty nine today, no birthday wishes please, I hate that stuff. A new age is my time for reflection of what I’ve done or rather all the things I’ve not yet done and in the last year I came to the realization that this life, this messy, unsure, discombobulating and often crazy ride that is life, is never something any of us fully get a grasp of. Maybe that means I am a grown up or maybe that means I’m as good at pretending I know my stuff like all the other grown ups that have ever walked this earth.

Alli and I discussed this while on our weekend reunion trip last month. We talked about the fact she always thought her parents had it together and it wasn’t until recently that she had a frank conversation with her father asking him when she would finally ‘have it together?’ He responded that he wasn’t sure because he is still working on it himself. He admitted that he and her mother were faking it as best as they could as parents to her and her sibling.

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Yes, it seems with or without a mortgage, a life partner and kids, no one really feels like life is fully figured out. So being twenty nine and still lost isn’t so bad. Maybe I’m faking it in some ways more than others, but I know more today than I did yesterday or a month ago and definitely more than a year ago and that’s all of us can ascertain.

My late twenties haven’t been as fun as my early twenties and at times I feel cynicism creeping in and that notion that all the new sensations of life have been lived, that its all be done. Love. Friendship. Dinner parties. Music festivals. Hikes to peaks. The drudgery of paying rent and keeping a job down makes it more difficult to flee that bogged down feeling, but somehow in all of this there are always things to be excited about.

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At times each step feels like quicksand is falling away, but standing still is never an option so moving forward, taking one step after another, though uneasily, has to be done. There have been times the past few years that money has been sparse enough to keep a simple diet of watery soup just to pay rent. Or the problems which sometimes come in multiples; health, money and stress, feel so much that it’s like trying to find a stable piece of land beneath ones feet can feel impossible to find. All the while there are lots of people who are buying houses, getting engaged and having kids with smiling faces staring back at you in life and on social media that it can be hard to forget they can feel just as uneasy as you do.

IMG_2990 2013-04-09 23.05.37Then there is the fact that life moves so very fast that the amount of things I’d thought I would have accomplished by now seems to be a list that only gets longer versus the amount I’ve actually achieved. Those adults who are faking it as best as they know how like to remind me on an almost regular basis that I’m only a baby and there is so much of life left to live, when that will stop being something I hear I do wonder.

So to those of you who feel the same way I do, remember to look at the countless photo’s you have and remember that for all the things you feel you haven’t achieved there are countless people just like you. They are in the same boat, but scattered on different seas. I would love to hear what is something you thought you would have accomplished by now?

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